JOKES

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Cut and pasted from my e-mail (apologize for formatting) -- some choice jokes sent to me.  This will be updated often, with the more recent at the beginning.  Be sure to check out Computer Stories


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me ... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.' He held her hand and said, 'Second, Let's have a cup of coffee, and then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.' "


Subject: Anthrax Scare in Chicago

CHICAGO (AP) -- Chicago Bears football practice was delayed nearly
two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white
powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Dick Jauron
immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators
were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic
experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was
the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the
team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.


Apparently the owners of this house had been seeing images and hearing
voices for quite a while.   They did some research and found that a lady
once lived in the house who lost her husband during the civil war.
Legend says that she used to sit at the table and look across the fields
in anticipation of her loved one returning home. He never came. So, they
say she still waits. They caught this photo (using digital imaging and
sound) of what they claim to be her.

This one is wild and a little spooky once you find the ghost in the
picture. It took me about 20 seconds to find it, but when you do, it
just stands out. Like one of those optical illusions. To save you some
time,
concentrate around the table and sort of towards the window.  Also, if
you have volume, make sure you turn it up as you can
hear some faint murmurings after a while which they say is
the ghost talking. Kind of interesting...keep looking you'll find it.
Click on the following link for the picture.
http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf

IT TAKES A WHILE BUT DON'T STOP STARING


TO A PHENOMENAL WOMAN
> by Maya Angelou
>
> When I was in my younger days,
> I weighed a few pounds less,
> I needn't hold my tummy in
> to wear a belted dress.
>
> But now that I am older,
> I've set my body free;
> There's comfort of elastic
> Where once my waist would be.
>
> Inventor of those high-heeled shoes
> My feet have not forgiven;
> I have to wear a nine now,
> But used to wear a seven.
>
> And how about those pantyhose--
> They're sized by weight, you see,
> So how come when I put them on
> The crotch is at my knee?
>
> I need to wear these glasses
> As the print's been getting smaller;
> And it wasn't very long ago
> I know that I was taller.
>
> Though my hair has turned to gray
> and my skin no longer fits,
> On the inside, I'm the same old me,
> It's the outside's changed a bit.
>
> But, on a positive note...
>
> I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
> today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
>
> I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way
> he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
> tangled Christmas tree lights.
>
> I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your
> parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
>
> I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as
> making a "life."
>
> I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
>
> I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's
> mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
>
> I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart,
> I usually make the right decision.
>
> I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
>
> I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
> People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
>
> I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
>
> I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will
> forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them
> feel.
>
> Please send this to five phenomenal women today. If you do,
> something good will happen...........
> You will boost another woman's self esteem.
>
> If you don't ...the elastic will break and your panty hose will
> fall down around your ankles. :)


What should you do when you see your ex-husband rolling around in
pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

Why do little boys whine?
They're practicing to be men.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him, or
Alternate --Three, one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.

Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put beer and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals."


A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag
of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank to open a savings account because,

"It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff
finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is
always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around.

"Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make
bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that
your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win
that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as
a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side
to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was
sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he
would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer
to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to
drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she
could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's
the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM
today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in  sectioned
     laundry hamper according to lights and  darks.

2. Walk  to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any  exposed areas.

3.  Look at your womanly physique in the
mirror--make mental  note--must do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth,
arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and  Sage shampoo with 43
added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure  it's  clean.

7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with
natural  avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with  crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red .

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come
off).

11. Shave  armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to
get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your  husband flushes the toilet and you lose the

water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.

15. Get  out of shower, stepping carefully on small rubberized  bath
mat. Dry with towel the size of a  small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign  of a blemish, tweeze
eyebrow hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and  towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any  exposed areas,
step into closet to begin ritualistic, appropriate clothes finding
mission.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo"  sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see

if you have  pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the  mirror
and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Turn on the water, fill mouth and spit over shoulder.

6. Wash privates using deodorant soap lathered on hands, leaving coarse
butt hairs on the soap  bar.

7. Wash armpits.

8. Wash face.

9. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just  rinse it off.

10. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the  shower.

11. Rinse privates.

12. Shampoo your hair.

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look  at yourself in the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower).

16. Turn off shower. Step onto tile floor, avoiding rubberized floor mat
at all costs.

17. Partially dry off, leaving puddles on  tile floor.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size
again.

19. Drop  towel on wet floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom. If you pass your wife, shake wiener at her
and make  the "woo-woo" sound again.

22. Put on cleanest underwear taken from the dirty clothes pile near
bed.


> 1970 vs. 2001:
> >
> > 1970: Long Hair
> > 2001: Longing for Hair
> >
> > 1970: The perfect high
> > 2001: The perfect high yield mutual fund
> >
> > 1970: KEG
> > 2001: EKG
> >
> > 1970: Acid rock
> > 2001: Acid reflux
> >
> > 1970: Moving to Calif. because it's cool.
> > 2001: Moving to Calif. because it's warm.
> >
> > 1970: Growing pot
> > 2001: Growing pot belly
> >
> > 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
> > 2001: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
> >
> > 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
> > 2001: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
> >
> > 1970: Seeds and stems
> > 2001: Roughage
> >
> > 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
> > 2001: Popping joints
> >
> > 1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel
> > 2001: Our President's struggle with fidelity
> >
> > 1970: Paar
> > 2001: AARP
> >
> > 1970: Killer weed
> > 2001: Weedkiller
> >
> > 1970: Hoping for a BMW
> > 2001: Hoping for a BM
> >
> > 1970: The Grateful Dead
> > 2001: Dr. Kevorkian
> >
> > 1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
> > 2001: Receiving a new hip joint
> >
> > 1970: Rolling Stones
> > 2001: Kidney stones
> >
> > 1970: Being called into the principal's office
> > 2001: Calling the principal's office
> >
> > 1970: Screw the system
> > 2001: Upgrade the system
> >
> > 1970: Peace sign
> > 2001: Mercedes logo
> >
> > 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
> > 2001: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
> >
> > 1970: Taking acid
> > 2001: Taking antacid
> >
> > 1970: Passing the drivers test
> > 2001: Passing the vision test
> >
> > 1970: Whatever
> > 2001: Depends


Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards
>
> 10.     I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
>           But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
>
> 9.      Our love will never become cold and hollow
>           Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
>
> 8.      I bought this Valentine's card at the store
>           In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
>
> 7.      This feels so good, it feels so right
>           I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
>
> 6.      You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
>           Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
>
> 5.      Before I met you, my heart was so famished
>           But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
>
> 4.      Through all the things that came to pass
>           Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
>
> 3.      You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
>           I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
>
> 2.      I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
>           So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
>
> 1.      If you think that hickey looks like a blister
>           You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!


These are things you just gotta know!!

1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.

5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.

6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).

7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.  (So is Barbie)

9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

10 By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.

11 On average, a human being will spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

12 More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

13. Rats and horses can't vomit.

14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.  (I thought it was much more)

25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.

27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Now, how many of you tried to lick your elbow ???


Subject: Heaven or Hell


 Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory
>>being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether

>>to> send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society

>>by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you

>>created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never

done before.

>>In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

 Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the

>>two?"

 God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it

>>will  help you make a decision."

 "Fine, but where should I go first?"

 God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you.

 "Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

 So Bill went to Hell.

 It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were

 thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,

 laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the

>>temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

 "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see

 Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

 Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about

 playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

>>Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

 "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as

>>you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

 Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to

>>see how he was doing in Hell.

 When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall,

screaming

 amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and

>>tortured by demons.

 "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

 Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This

>>is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened.

>>What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
women  playing in the water?"

 God says, "That was the screen saver".


Bar... Monkey

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around
the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats
them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the
billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprize me," replied the guy. "He eats
everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for
everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff
the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey
is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his
drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The
bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino
cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the
bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still
eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that
cue ball, he measures everything first."


> I have a moral question for you.
>
> This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one
> would do.
>
>
> The situation:
>
> You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress.  Many
> homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.
>
> Let's say that you're a photographer getting still photos for a news
service,
> traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
>
> You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the
floodwaters.
>
> He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.
>
> You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize
> winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
>
> So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question
> below:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Which lens and shutter speed would you use?


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween
party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg,
so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as
a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man is offended because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he
writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another
parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man is still offended, since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company a
nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.


CHICAGO-The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Monday as
airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73
year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two,
six inch knitting needles.  Apparently, authorities were worried that
she might knit an Afghan.


Take all American women who are within five years of menopause -  train us
for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas  masks,
moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned  tuna -
drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan,  and
let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger  quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff
like grocery shopping  and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even
armed men in turbans  tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to  protect them and
their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands,  if they haven't
left already. And for those of us who are single, the  prospect of finding
a good man with whom to share life is about as  likely as being struck by
lightning. We have nothing to  lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the  carbohydrate diet,
and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across  America and never lost a
pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile  terrain of Afghanistan
with little or no food at all!

We've spent  years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware
stores, or  sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be  no
problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new  government? Oh,
please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for  in-laws and
extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we  understand tribal
warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands  to know every trick there is
for how they hide, launder, or cover up  bank accounts and money sources.
We know how to find that money and we  know how to seize it ... with or
without the government's  help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their  terror as we
crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken  terrain...


Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on. So, she did and said, These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied, "...exactly,I wear the  pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

 "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
 Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says,
"I can't get into your pants." So Jill says, "...Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will!"


> Tip of the week
> If you bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock one year
> ago, it would now be
> worth $49.  If you bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser
> (the beer, not the
> stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded
> in the cans/bottles for
> the nickel deposit, you would have $79 ($158 in
> Michigan).
> My advice to you is to start drinking heavily and
> recycle.


A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
>  Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the boy in the
>  closet and shuts the door.
>
>  Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet
>  with the little boy until her husband leaves again.
>
>  The boy says, "Dark in here."
>
>  The man says, "Yes, it is."
>
>  Boy - "I have a baseball."
>
>  Man - "That's nice."
>
>  Boy - "Want to buy it?"
>
> Man - "No, thanks."
>
>  Boy - "My dad's outside."
>
>  Man - "OK, how much?"
>
>  Boy - "$25."
>
>  In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
>  are in the closet together.
>
>  Boy - "Dark in here."
>
>  Man - "Yes, it is."
>
>  Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
>
>  The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>
>  Boy - $75."
>
>  Man - "Fine."

>  A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
>  go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
>  The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

>  The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
>  Boy - $100."
>
>  The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
>  that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
> to church and make you confess."
>  They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the>
> confession booth and he closes the door.
>  Boy - "Dark in here."
>> The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."


A man staggers into an emergency room with two blackeyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what
the heck happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having
a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a
pasture of cows.
      "We went to look for it, and while I was rooting
around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I
walked over and lifted up the tail and, sure enough, there was my wife's
golf ball- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I
made my mistake."
      "What did you do?", asks the doctor.
      "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled, 'Honey, this
looks like yours!'"


The world's shortest books:

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson


For a funny - go to this link:  http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm


THE PERFECT BREAKFAST
>You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of
>the box of Wheaties.
>Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
>Your wife is on the back of the milk carton


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's

card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly
surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the
tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun
in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him
you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and
that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too

Badda-boom-badda-bing!


At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants


And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the
woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in
her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man.


The new and improved (?) version . . .

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world
go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I
wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to
the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother
replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your
second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were
young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became
reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt
stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten
vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what
shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so
beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so
fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's  eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man  she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young  muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"


The lost Dr. Suess Poem:

I LOVE MY JOB!

i love my job, i love the pay
i love it more and more each day
i love my boss, he is the best
i love his boss and all the rest

i love my office and its location, i hate to have to go on vacation
i love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day
i think my job is really swell, there's nothing else i love so well
i love to work among my peers, i love their leers, and jeers, and sneers
i love my computer and its software
i hug it often though it won't care
i love each program and every file
i'd love them more if they worked a while

i'm happy to be here. i am. i am.
i'm the happiest slave of the firm, i am.
i love this work, i love these chores
i love the meetings with deadly bores
i love my job -- i'll say it again -- i even love those friendly men
those friendly men who've come today
in clean white coats to take me away!!!


At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And . . .

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.

2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail,
and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason,
you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only
run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.


Polar Bear

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a
gin.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

and tonic."
The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
Bear says, "I dunno...I've always had them."


Can you imagine working at the following Company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits in 1998 alone
84 were stopped for drunk driving


Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?


It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws
designed to keep the rest of us in line.


Sad News: NOTED DOUGH BOY DIES.....

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of severe yeast
infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals
n years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, The
California Raisins, Hungary Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was
kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his
dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll
model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two
children, and one in the oven.


...so there's this man from Chicago, and he dies
and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil
comes over to welcome him.

The Devil then says: "Sometimes it gets pretty
uncomfortable down here."


So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns
the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80.
He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's
doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just
fine.

"No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man
says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and
turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up
to 90.

He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man
is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall
looks comfortable.

"No problem. Just like Chicago in July,"the man
says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat,
turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity
up to 100.

When he goes back to see how the man is doing,
the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his
shirt off; otherwise, he seems OK.

He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in
August."

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes
back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature
o MINUS 150 DEGREES.

Instantly, HELL FREEZES - the whole place becomes
an icy, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is
doing, he is shocked to discover the man jumping
up and down cheering in obvious delight.

The devil immediately asks the man what's going
on. To which the Chicago man replies.....









"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"


New catchy bumper stickers....

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!

JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots. He Scores!

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse..


Answering service at the Mental Health institute

THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE NEW ANSWERING SERVICE RECENTLY INSTALLED AT THE
MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are
obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you now.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press
- no one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star and pound
keys until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
maiden name.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you.


Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,  perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the
side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an  accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

>> (Scroll down for the answer.)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
The perfect woman survived.

She's the only one who really existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

>> **** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke. >****


>> **** Men keep scrolling. ****
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen either.


This is presented as a true story from an Amoco Christmas party in
Australia last year.

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a
practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious
practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went
through his wallet and found his Tatts Lotto Ticket. Then, they wrote down his
numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came
back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's
Lotto numbers then proceeded to read them out aloud, before setting the
numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his from his
wallet and compared them.

He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down
gain, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he sculled his drink,
stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to
let you all know something.

I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like
any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to
Hell, cause I've just won a pot-load of money, and I'm leaving"

End of job. End of marriage. End of story.


This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call


WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY...

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.

Same work...more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything
different?"

One mood, all the time.


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car
puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding,  but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number,
not the speed limit.

Now a bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and  thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...  Is everyone in this car ok? these women seem
awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a  single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Route 119."


A blonde went out to her mail box, looked in, closed the door, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."


Subject: 13 signs that you have had too much of the 90's:

1) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
5) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready,
and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted
one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college
roommate used to play.
10) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup
to see if it contains echinacea.
11) You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox, asking you to
send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a
screen saver.
13) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cellphone to
see if anyone is home.


A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat
food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told
the check out girl, "nothing but the best for my little kitten".

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but I cannot sell this cat
food without proof that you have a cat; a lot of old people buy cat food to
eat themselves, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat
food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and
brought it back to the store: they sold her the cat food.

The next day, the little old lady went back to the store and bought 12 boxes
of the most expensive dog cookies in the store - one for each day of
Christmas. The cashier demanded proof that she owned a dog, claiming that
old people sometimes eat dog cookies too. Frustrated she went home, came
back with her dog and they sold her the dog cookies.

The next day, the little old lady brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger into the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady
assured her there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So, the
cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and said to the little
old lady, "my finger smells like shit."

To which the little old lady grinned from ear to ear and said, "Now my dear,
may I have three rolls of toilet paper."


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.

She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the
difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes
up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise,
little Tommy got an A in math.

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.

Well then, she replies, was it the books, the
discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?

Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

True Stories

A woman reported her car as stolen, and mentioned that there
was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called
the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the
ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged
to meet, and the thief was arrested.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A true story out of San Francisco:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny
in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to
the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write
the note and might call the police before he reached the teller
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street
to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the
harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip
or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called
the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.
----------------------------------------------------------
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of
$40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture ... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly
sent the money for the fine.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.
The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a
"bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense,
said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket
that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.
The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and
laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
------------------------------------------------------
Colorado Springs:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber
said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because
he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police
and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off
the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
-----------------------------------------------------
Cigars and Insurance

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very
expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars
and without having made even his first premium payment on the
policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series
of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing
the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in
the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering
the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous,
tated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the
company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire,
without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire",
and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a
lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare
cigars he lost in "the fires". After the man cashed the check,
however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24
counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him,
the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
------------------------------------------------------
Florida

A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F---- UP!" For a
moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The
guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably
saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He
couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief
ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the
bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze,
mother-stickers, this is a f---- up!"


DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to eat out.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1749. If you haven't, add 1748.

 

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

SEE BELOW

You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was

your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each

week). The second two digits are your age!!! This is the only year

(1999) it will ever work, so spread the fun around

while it lasts..

 


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by  almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls  that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What  is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have  never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady  in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular  numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to  watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."


The New Over 40 Barbie
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and
large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her
forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying
mirror.

4. Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too:
muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet.
Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on
soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip
lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own
line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is
really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root
for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered,
along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to
Do."

9. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore!
Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House
and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up
Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money.
Complete garage sale kit included.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with
the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps!
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes
with little copy of The Big Book a six-pack of Diet Coke, and a pack
of Marlboro Lights.


  1. What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

  1. BINGO!

 


BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ...

1. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

2. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

3. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

4. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

5. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

6. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

7. DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

8. JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky ... He Shoots ...He scores!

9. Jesus is coming! Look busy!

10. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

11. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

12. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

13. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

14. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN

15. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

16. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

17. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

18. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

19. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

20. I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?

22. All men are idiots ... I married their king.

23. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

24. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

25. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

26. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

27. Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.

28. Hang up and drive.

29. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

30. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

31. Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

32. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

33. Don't drink and drive ... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

34. We are born naked, wet, and hungry ... Then things get worse.

35. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

36. Consciousness : That annoying time between naps.

37. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

38. Be nice to your kids ... They will pick out your nursing home.

39. Always remember you're unique ... Just like everyone else.

and the #1 bumper sticker of the week ...

40. Honk If You Want To See My Finger

 


"BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette

with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and

looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters to no one in particular,

"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

 


A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"


 RE: A secretary knocked on the "Pearly Gates"

A secretary knocked on the "Pearly Gates"

Her face was worn and old,

She stood before the man of fate

For admission to the fold.

"What have you done," St. Peter asked,

"To gain admission here?"

"I've been a legal secretary, sir," she said

"For many and many a year."

The Pearly Gates swung open wide,

St. Peter touched the bell,

"Come in," he said, "and choose your harp,"

"You've had your taste of Hell."

 

How to contact us

Located in the Chicago Suburbs
Phone: (847) 272-6178
Fax:     (847) 715-9423

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